I’m here this morning
because I want to be here, blogging. For a long time, I haven't been sure whether I wanted to blog or not, for lots of different reasons. But lately, a lot of the stuff in my head feels like
stuff I want to share. That I’m supposed to share, even.
But I have to get it
out first. And it is amazingly hard to actually sit and TYPE. So rarely are my
hands free at the same time that my space (or even just my brain) is empty of people who need me. (So rarely
are my hands free, period!)Even when I do find
the time, though, it has been surprisingly hard to make myself write. Even when I’m
longing to get this stuff out of my brain, and into words, it’s been hard.
I think a big part
of that is my intense fear of hypocrisy. I’ve been realizing what an enormous
driving force this is in my life. The last thing I ever, ever want to be is two
different people. To be, to write, to share publicly as though I’m one person,
while at home my family knows I’m someone else. This alone has kept me quiet on my blog for a very long time.
At its core, this is
a good desire – to be the same person in all settings. Of course we should all
aspire to that. But this is Fear I’m talking about, not aspiration. Fear of
being the bad thing, instead of aspiring to the good. And Fear never leads to
good places.
The terrible thing
about this particular fear is that it so easily becomes a self-fulfilling
prophesy (or curse). When I’m so afraid of being a hypocrite, it makes me that
much more anxious about being 100% authentic with the people outside my family.
Because then, what if they see the ways that I really AM being two-faced? That
the stuff I put on Facebook or my blog isn’t lining up with what they see in me
everyday? Then won’t I lose all my credibility? Won’t I be rejected and judged?
….So part of my way
forward involves me being HONEST about the ways I am, in fact, a hypocrite. Taking
my biggest fear and recognizing that guess what: I’m already there. To take the biggest example, I am drastically more negative, grumpy, critical, and impatient with my husband than I am with
anyone else in my life. And I mean this for real, people. Not just the
occasional snarky or crabby moments. I mean like, most of the day, most days,
for most of the past 7 years. My parents also sometimes see this side of me.
These people who are absolutely stuck with me, no matter what – they see it.
And though I’d like to think I’m better with my kids, ultimately, I know that
of everyone in my life, they are the ones I can probably hide from least of
all. (Which triggers this fear all over again. I do not want to confuse my kids about God by being a two-faced person.)
Lately I’ve gotten
numerous comments from people in my life about how I never complain, how I have
such a good attitude about things, etc. These comments have been encouraging,
but also alarming to me. Because if you really think that, then that means I’m definitely
not letting you see all of me. It means my hiding has been too successful. I know that if you said that to Nate, he would
laugh in your face. Well actually, he would probably only do that inside his
head, because he’s too nice to blow my cover. But he’s the one that gets my
daily download of negative energy, complaints, and litanies about all the
things that are “hard” and the detailed descriptions of WHY they are so hard.
There is both hope
and despair in this reality: despair because I know, without a doubt, that I am
far from being as all-the-way-around authentic as I want to be. But hope too,
because somehow Nate sees all of me, yet still chooses to stick with me. (Not
that it isn’t hard for him, too.) So if he can do it, it means that acceptance
of me - ALL of me - must be possible. (Obviously this is true of God as well…Nate
is just one way God is trying to show me this Truth.)
Which brings me back
around to the necessity to face my fear head-on. To hear that voice that tells
me, “You’re such a hypocrite. That thing you just said to Nate – you would
never say that to the people you call your best friends. You are living a
double life.” To hear all these things, and to respond by saying: “Yup, you’re
absolutely right. I am doing that. And guess what: there is grace for that too.
Grace is big enough.” That’s the path I’m trying to find, which I’m trying to
believe is highly preferable to the path that I’ve been on up till now, which
is the one that says “Try Harder.” (Battling my performance & perfectionism
complex – that’s another whole post in itself.)
And while I’m
acknowledging the reality of where I am, I can also acknowledge the lie that’s
inherent here, which is that the negative side of me is the REAL me. That all
the good stuff I put out there, all the times I’m choosing what I know to be
the faithful and soft-hearted response, that that stuff is fake. But the thing is, I
know that’s not true either.
What’s TRUE is that I really am both people. Both
sides of me are real. So the goal is not so much to bring the negative side
into all of my other relationships, or more positive into my interactions with
Nate, but to bring the two together. To somehow find healthier ways to get the
negative stuff out, so it's not so lopsided. I guess I'm hoping that writing, especially here where anyone can read this stuff, and not just the absolute-safest people in my life, can be part of that integration process.
I don’t know how
often I’ll get the time to sit here and write, but I have a new determination to
work it into whatever new rhythm I find as a work-at-home mom. Because it just
feels like the right way forward, and a necessary part, just like it did three
years ago when I first got going with this blog. Hopefully some of you will
stick with me as I figure it out.
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